Monday, March 25, 2013

Team Babies - A Moment

A moment.  We all have it.  But may not admit it.  I had a "moment" a few months ago.  It lasted about  3 days - then passed.  You know those moments where things aren't exactly what you expected.  
When I got the job in the ER I was ecstatic.  It was my dream job!  After about 3 weeks I realized it wasn't exactly what I thought it was going to be.  It was busy, horrible hours, decrease in pay, etc.  But the job itself was amazing.  I loved the actual job.  I'm so glad I stuck with it because I really couldn't see myself working in any other area.  I'm an ER nurse and always will be.

Before we decided to go the gestational carrier route I never anticipated any negative feelings AT ALL.   All my focus was on having a baby in my arms.  A piece of me and Curtis.  If you would have asked me prior to implantation I wouldn't have been able to say one negative thing about it.  Jamie is great.  The absolute perfect person for the job.  I trust her with everything and anything.  I knew she would take care of my babies during the process just as I would.  Then a moment came.  A moment where I felt...guilty I guess.  Guilty that I couldn't carry these babies on my own.  Guilty that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed.  Guilty that someone else has to be uncomfortable for me.  Sad that I couldn't feel my babies move.  Sad that I couldn't talk to my babies or read them stories at night.  These feelings came out of nowhere!  I felt so disconnected.  I couldn't believe I was having these feelings.  I'm sure Jamie has had a moment.  She's probably thinking - THREE babies?  I only signed up for ONE.  A c-section?  What the heck?  My stomach gets how big?  

I had to take a step back and focus on the 99% good rather than the 1% downside.  I was going to be a mom - FINALLY!   I get to go to the gym and continue working during this pregnancy.  I knew that using a gestational carrier meant that I was not going to experience certain things - but in the end I was going to be a mom - and that is ALL that matters.  The moment came and went completely.  There are too many positive things to focus on that I can't believe a moment even happened.  We are going to have THREE babies in a few weeks!  Three freakin' babies.  A family.  I can't wait.  I am SO thankful for Jamie and all the sacrifices she's making for us.  I pray that this last month goes smoothly for her.

1 comment:

Alice Anne said...

I totally get it. Surrogacy isn't ideal. It's just the way you were able to get those babies here! Adoption isn't ideal either. Infertility is a trial that can be overcome, but not without sacrifices. I have to remember that when that "moment" comes and goes. I'm glad your moment came and went. :) I'm so excited for you!